Nothing humbles the ego faster than going to physical therapy in a small mountain town in the West multiple times a week. The layers of humanity to absorb are complex, binding together realities we conveniently ignore during our normal errands so as not to inflame our exhausted nervous systems that must engage in perpetual acts of cognitive dissonance.
Older bodies tapping out after navigating close to a century of amplified capitalism and a complete transition from the New Deal to MAGA. Your own generation shuffling in and out, the vulnerability of using a walker written across a man slowly leaving his appointment and he’s only a decade older than you. Younger teenagers dropped off by their mothers nursing injuries from spring sports season. The kind eyes of the maintenance worker who always gently smiles at me because I'm the only one in the waiting room not escaping reality through algorithms. The buzz of the patient receptionists dealing with an endless stream of calls and questions about copays, coverages and worker's compensation.
Many generations. Many socio-economic backgrounds. A multitude of political ideologies and identities converging in a singular space, bound by the commonality of pain. At the center of this symphony of humanity is one collective mission-- healing.
As my therapist calls my name to begin my twice weekly healing/torture session, another therapist wheels out a tiny elderly woman curled into the back of her wheelchair. She has a gentle sparkle that matches the purple glittered pom-poms on her tennis shoes, but her ride is late and a small flash of panic crosses her face. Her therapist nestles her chair near a window so she can keep an eye on the passing cars and she waits patiently for her partner to arrive. She is at the mercy of whomever remembers to pick her up. Maybe the flash of panic that crossed her face is actually the reality of raw vulnerability and the absence of autonomy.
I cross the threshold from daily life into a place where pain becomes the vehicle to relief in some distant time on the horizon when my body has released the impacts of my choices. I pass through a cast of characters from all ages, shapes, colors and sizes muddling their way through deceptively simple movements designed to help the body release the trauma hiding in the shadows of our nervous systems. As I lay face down on a table, staring through an oddly shaped face cradle, with needles jammed into trigger points lining both sides of my spine and up into my skull, I have the odd opportunity to reflect on how I ended up in such a situation on a sunny May morning.
Each pierce of a needle represents a moment in my past where I made a choice-- and my body kept the score. Each sharp jab of pain represents an act of inhumanity that I bore witness to and never released. Every twist of the metal in the scar tissues of my trapezoids drills into a memory of an action bearing a consequence.
Most of those actions were rooted in storytelling. Carrying the weight of my cameras on both shoulders as I ran after police officers, dodged IDF gas canisters, photographed a cry for justice or chose just “one more hour” of creating documentation for a narcissist who never processed their own shit enough to lead with kindness and humanity.
With the needles in place from the intersection of my thoracic cervical discs up into my skull, the sweetest therapist who is actually getting excited at how fucked up my knots are, connected the needles to an electric device designed to break open the accumulated damage of adulting. All of the stories, actions, choices and impacts begin to swirl as the electricity pulses through my fascia and releases tension, and trauma.
Pain becomes my barometer at this point. Where’s the threshold of pain equals progress? “Play with Pain” was the motto my college soccer coach used on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. Narratives of past adventures on grassy fields and flying down snowy mountains begin bouncing through my mind as I stare at the decades old carpet that has witnessed so many of these moments from the humans staring down in complete vulnerability.
Five minutes of electrifying trauma release and my nervous system is done. But in a healthy way, not the tattered and torn way that dictated the last months of my stint in corporate America. The lovely therapist then begins working with the soft tissue she just electrified and is stunned at how tight my spine actually is and her colleagues get a good laugh at how hard she is pressing on my spine to squash the knots. I begin to giggle myself at the absurdity of it all.
As I’m leaving, a once tall elderly man with a cane and a distinct shuffle that kept the lower side of his body with just enough momentum to get the erect side of his physique to manifest the next step forward, shuffled past the smiling receptionists. They hit the automatic door opener for him and said “go on in, they’re ready for you, Carl”. This stubborn defiance of physics thanks them and never breaks his imbalanced stride as he passes the liminal threshold between a world of normalcy to one pulsing with the healing pain of the collective. Carl and the receptionists had timed this regular crossing to perfection over many weeks and months. A vision of Carl, decades prior entering a room to grasp control and lead a group into action crosses my mind and I wonder what stories he created when his spine was straight and supple.
A few hours after my session, waves of emotion surface as I realize my entire lifestyle has to change now, lest I end up with a malfunctioning spine like Carl. How I write. How I work. How I balance the cognitive dissonance of living through chaos. Everything has to change. The weight of that type of change becomes momentarily too much to bear and a little crack in my psyche taps into the floodworks. A wave of emotion swoops in and rinses a bit of the recently released trauma to wash away. Leaving just enough to write this essay.
I laugh at the hot mess of myself realizing all of these pulsing emotions were just electrified and unleashed on my nervous system. Three months ago, my system wouldn't have been able to handle any of these waves of release and I marvel at the wisdom traditions which empowered me to deal with any of this and still find slivers of ananda in my day. I'm also grateful for the months long delays in my access to therapy so my nervous system could heal first.
I wiped the remnants of that little volcano of emotion on my face and I thought of Carl. A man who passed through that threshold of worlds without breaking his stride. He had faced these crossing so many times and for so many reasons. A lifetime of choices and consequences. A lifetime of endings and beginnings. Decades of accepting the finality of perpetual changes.
And really that’s the whole game, right? It’s the fear of death, the fear of decay and the fear of regret. I learned not to fear death at a young age. I learn about decay every decade or so when something vital in my body taps out to deal with some bullshit I failed to process. I can control regret. And that one I work very hard to never carry. Learning about the brevity of life at a young age forces you to be deliberate in your actions and choices. You know the absolute sorrow of what’s left behind when someone who loved and led deeply passes suddenly. On a daily basis, ask myself if I died tonight, would I regret my actions of the day? The answer is rarely yes, but if those yeses do surface in frequency, a re-calibration occurs.
For now, I’ll simply continue dancing through these wild liminal thresholds and share the journey every so often. I know many of my humans are on some deep and painful journeys, so I share this shit so you know you aren’t alone. We're all just trying to find our way to healing and peace.
“In the end, we’re all just walking each other home.” Ram Dass
Below are some AI research prompts that were pulled AFTER this essay was written that reflect the original sources or philosophies/wisdom traditions I study that support my healing journey and may provide support for yours as well.
The statement you provided, "inflame our exhausted nervous systems that must engage in perpetual acts of cognitive dissonance," points towards the physiological and psychological impact of chronic stress and anxiety on our bodies. To explore this, we can turn to two key sources: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk, a seminal text on trauma and its physical and psychological effects, and Polyvagal Theory, developed by Stephen Porges, which offers insights into how the nervous system responds to stress.
The Body Keeps the Score
Bessel van der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score" explores how trauma reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers' capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. He explains how these changes can persist long after the trauma occurred, leading to symptoms that can include physical ailments, emotional swings, and dissociation. Trauma, according to van der Kolk, impacts areas of the brain involved in processing stress and emotions, such as the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex.
Van der Kolk discusses various methods for healing from trauma, emphasizing the importance of re-establishing a sense of safety and reconfiguring the brain's alarm system. Techniques include mindfulness practices, yoga, and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), which are designed to help the body and mind reintegrate and recover.
Polyvagal Theory
Polyvagal Theory complements the insights of "The Body Keeps the Score" by providing a more detailed view of how the nervous system governs our responses to stress. According to Stephen Porges, the theory highlights the role of the vagus nerve in controlling the heart rate, breathing, and digestive processes. The theory posits that the nervous system has several states, each corresponding to a different level of stress:
1. The Ventral Vagal State: Represents a calm state where social engagement systems are active.
2. The Sympathetic State: Activated during stress or danger, triggering the "fight or flight" response.
3. The Dorsal Vagal State: Engages in response to overwhelming stress, leading to a "freeze" or dissociative state.
Chronic stress and anxiety can shift the nervous system into a perpetual state of heightened alertness (sympathetic state) or shutdown (dorsal vagal state). Over time, this can lead to significant health problems, exacerbate feelings of disconnection, and make it difficult for individuals to engage in healing practices.
Cognitive Dissonance and Stress
Cognitive dissonance, the mental discomfort experienced when holding contradictory beliefs or attitudes, can further strain the nervous system. This dissonance can exacerbate stress, especially when an individual feels compelled to alter their beliefs to align with their actions or the expectations of others, often leading to increased anxiety and stress.
Integration
Both "The Body Keeps the Score" and Polyvagal Theory suggest that healing from trauma and chronic stress involves practices that engage body and mind, promote safety and stability, and help individuals navigate their responses to stress more effectively. Understanding and addressing the roots of cognitive dissonance can also play a crucial role in this process.
By integrating these insights, individuals and therapists can develop more effective strategies for dealing with the profound effects of trauma and chronic stress on the nervous system.
An average American in their late 80s living in the Rockies today would have been born around the 1930s to 1940s. Throughout their lifetime, they would have witnessed a series of significant national and global events that shaped the world and the United States. Here are some of the major events they would likely have experienced:
1930s-1940s
The Great Depression (1929-1939): Although born at the tail end or just after, the economic impacts and recovery efforts would have influenced their early years.
World War II (1939-1945): If born in the early 1930s, they might have childhood memories of the war years, including the home front efforts and the aftermath of the war.
1950s
Korean War (1950-1953): This conflict would have been a prominent event during their adolescence.
The Cold War (1947-1991): Growing up during the Cold War, they would have experienced the tension between the U.S. and the Soviet Union, including fears of nuclear war.
Civil Rights Movement (1954-1968): Key events such as the Montgomery Bus Boycott and the Little Rock Nine would have occurred during their young adulthood.
1960s
The Vietnam War (1955-1975): This would have been a significant part of their young adult life, possibly affecting them or people they knew.
The Moon Landing (1969): The first moon landing would have been a momentous event they witnessed as young adults.
1970s-1980s
Watergate Scandal (1972-1974): This political scandal would have been a major national issue.
End of the Cold War (1989): The fall of the Berlin Wall and the subsequent dissolution of the Soviet Union marked significant events in their middle age.
1990s-2000s
Technological Advancements: The rise of personal computers, the internet, and mobile technology.
9/11 Terrorist Attacks (2001): A pivotal moment that likely had a profound impact on their perception of national security and international relations.
2010s-2020s
Global Financial Crisis (2008): An economic downturn that would have affected their retirement plans or assets.
COVID-19 Pandemic (2020-ongoing): A major health crisis that they are experiencing in their late 80s.
Environmental and Social Movements
Throughout their life, they would also have witnessed various environmental and social movements, changes in government policies, and shifts in cultural norms and values.
Living in the Rockies, they would also be familiar with regional issues such as water rights, land management, and the development of national parks and recreational areas. Their experience would also be colored by the specific state and local history of their particular area within the Rocky Mountains.
Dry needling therapy combined with an electrical stimulation (e-stim) machine is a physical therapy technique used to alleviate muscle pain, reduce muscle tension, and promote healing, particularly in areas like the trapezius muscles and spine. Here's how this method works and its potential effects, including emotional release:
How Dry Needling with Electrical Stimulation Works
1. Dry Needling: This involves inserting very thin needles into the muscle's trigger points, which are taut bands of skeletal muscle. The goal is to elicit a twitch response from the muscle, releasing the knot and alleviating pain. Dry needling targets the neuromuscular dysfunction that contributes to pain and functional deficits.
2. Attachment to an E-Stim Machine: Once the needles are inserted into the trigger points, they can be connected to an electrical stimulation machine. This machine sends electrical currents through the needles into the muscle. The electrical impulses help to:
Reduce muscle tension by disrupting the pain signals sent to the nervous system, effectively "resetting" part of the muscle's activity.
Increase blood flow to the area, which can help reduce inflammation and promote healing.
Stimulate the release of endorphins, which are natural painkillers produced by the body.
Application to Neck Disc Damage and Scar Tissue
For someone like the described former photojournalist now technologist in her 40s, dealing with neck disc damage and accumulated scar tissue in the trapezius and spine, dry needling with e-stim can be particularly beneficial. The therapy can help:
Manage pain from neck disc damage by relaxing muscle tension and reducing compression in the cervical spine.
Break down scar tissue which may improve mobility and decrease stiffness in the neck and upper back.
Emotional Release and Unprocessed Trauma
When discussing the accumulation of trauma in the fascia—the connective tissue surrounding muscles and organs—there's a theory in some holistic and physical therapy practices suggesting that emotional trauma can manifest physically in the body's tissue. During treatments like dry needling, especially when combined with e-stim, patients may experience what's termed an "emotional release." This can occur because:
The physical manipulation of tightly wound muscle fibers and fascia might also release pent-up emotional tension held within the body, particularly if the trauma was associated with physical symptoms or occurred during a stressful period of their life.
Releasing muscle knots and easing physical discomfort can lead to an emotional relief as the body feels less burdened and more at ease.
The described technologist, having worked in a stressful and toxic environment, might find that addressing these physical manifestations with dry needling and e-stim also provides a psychological or emotional relief, potentially helping to process some of the stress and negativity associated with her recent work experiences.
For the best results and a tailored treatment plan, it's advisable to consult with a physical therapist who specializes in dry needling and understands the complexities of neck injuries and emotional trauma. They can provide a holistic approach that considers both physical and emotional health needs.
[author's note: I work with a team of medical specialists for this healing regimen and I turn to my extensive 1000 hour yoga training and the experts in my yoga network who are therapists for the somatic and emotional aspects of my healing journey.]
The quote "reality of raw vulnerability and the absence of autonomy" deeply resonates with the teachings of Ram Dass, particularly his work on aging, dying, and the spiritual insights derived from tantra yoga. Ram Dass, a prominent spiritual teacher and proponent of Eastern philosophy, often discussed the themes of acceptance, surrender, and the transformation of suffering into an opportunity for spiritual growth.
Ram Dass on Aging and Dying
In his later works, especially after suffering a stroke that left him physically impaired, Ram Dass spoke candidly about the challenges and spiritual opportunities of aging and dying. He emphasized how these life stages strip away the illusions of control and autonomy that people often cling to. In his book "Still Here: Embracing Aging, Changing, and Dying," Ram Dass explores how aging can be a path to spiritual awakening. He suggests that as we lose physical abilities and autonomy, we are invited to confront our vulnerabilities and the ultimate truth of our existence—impermanence.
The Reality of Raw Vulnerability
The "reality of raw vulnerability" mentioned in the quote can be linked to the teachings of tantra yoga, which often focuses on embracing all aspects of human experience, including those that are challenging or uncomfortable. Tantra yoga encourages practitioners to delve deeply into their emotions, sensations, and thoughts, particularly those that society typically considers negative or undesirable, such as old age, illness, and death.
Ram Dass taught that this vulnerability is not a deficit but a powerful state that can lead to greater compassion, humility, and a deeper connection with others. By fully embracing our vulnerability, we can transcend our ego-driven desires for control and stability, opening ourselves to a more profound understanding of the universe and our place within it.
The Absence of Autonomy
The "absence of autonomy" is a significant concept in both Ram Dass' teachings and in broader spiritual traditions. It challenges the Western ideal of independence and self-sufficiency, proposing instead that true freedom comes from recognizing our interdependence and the interconnectedness of all life. This realization can be particularly poignant in old age or during illness, when one may have to rely more heavily on others, thus fostering a sense of community and shared humanity.
Integration of Tantra Yoga's Wisdom
Tantra yoga's wisdom, as integrated into Ram Dass' teachings, often revolves around the acceptance of what is, including the aging process and the inevitability of death. Through practices that involve meditation, breath work, and the deliberate cultivation of presence, individuals can learn to live with a heart that is open to everything—even the most challenging aspects of human existence.
Ram Dass’ perspective encourages us to see aging and dying not as losses of autonomy and control, but as opportunities to grow spiritually, to deepen our understanding of who we are beyond our physical selves, and to connect more deeply with the divine essence that pervades all life.
In summary, the acceptance of our "raw vulnerability and the absence of autonomy" as described in the quote, when viewed through the lens of Ram Dass' teachings and tantra yoga, offers a pathway to deeper spiritual awareness and fulfillment, transforming what many fear and avoid into a profound journey of discovery and liberation.
Vikalpas, a concept in Indian philosophy and yoga, refer to the deep-seated impressions, ideas, or mental constructs that can shape our perceptions and behaviors. In the context of trauma and the body's nervous system, vikalpas can play a significant role in how past experiences are internalized and manifest physically and emotionally in our lives. Integrating Ram Dass' teachings, we can explore how these mental constructs impact our response to trauma and our journey towards healing.
Understanding Vikalpas
Vikalpas arise from samskaras, which are essentially the imprints left on the subconscious mind by experiences and actions. These imprints form patterns that can influence our mental and physical responses. In the case of trauma, vikalpas might include beliefs or fears that become embedded in our psyche and body, such as a sense of danger or distrust, which can persist long after the original traumatic event has passed.
The Body and Nervous System Holding Trauma
According to both contemporary psychology and philosophies like those Ram Dass taught, the body holds trauma in ways that are not always conscious. The nervous system, particularly through mechanisms like the fight, flight, or freeze responses, can retain and recall traumatic reactions. This retention can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and various physical health issues, manifesting as muscle tension, digestive issues, and altered brain function.
Ram Dass and Healing from Trauma
Ram Dass often spoke about the transformation of suffering into an opportunity for spiritual growth and healing. He emphasized mindfulness, meditation, and the practice of presence as tools to address the roots of suffering stored in the body and mind. By becoming aware of our vikalpas—understanding them not as absolute truths but as constructs that can be observed and transcended—we can begin to loosen their hold over our reactions and behaviors.
Transforming Vikalpas
The process of transforming vikalpas involves several steps:
1. Awareness: Recognizing the vikalpas that influence our perceptions and behaviors is the first step. This awareness can often be facilitated through practices like meditation, which encourage a deeper exploration of the mind and body.
2. Observation Without Judgment: Ram Dass taught the power of observing one's thoughts and emotions without attachment or judgment. This approach allows individuals to see their vikalpas as they are, reducing their impact and allowing for a more objective evaluation of their usefulness or harm.
3. Reframing: Once vikalpas are identified and observed, they can be reframed or replaced with new, more constructive mental constructs. This might involve deliberate practices like affirmations, cognitive restructuring, or therapy.
4. Integration: Incorporating these new perspectives into everyday life can lead to profound shifts in how one experiences and reacts to the world, potentially alleviating the symptoms of held trauma and improving overall well-being.
The Power of Presence and Acceptance
A key element of Ram Dass' teaching is the cultivation of presence—being fully engaged with the present moment without attachment to past impressions or future anxieties. This presence can mitigate the power of vikalpas, fostering a state of acceptance and peace. It allows individuals to experience life more fully, with an openness that can lead to healing both psychological and physical traumas.
In summary, the power of vikalpas is significant in the context of how the body and nervous system hold trauma. By understanding and transforming these deep-seated mental constructs through mindfulness and spiritual practices, as taught by Ram Dass, individuals can work towards healing and finding a deeper sense of peace and freedom.
"Liminal thresholds" refer to transitional spaces or periods between two different states or experiences. In cultural anthropology, liminality describes the ambiguity and disorientation that occurs in the middle stage of rituals when participants no longer hold their pre-ritual status but have not yet transitioned to the status they will hold when the ritual is complete. This concept can be metaphorically extended to various life experiences, including the journey of healing and transformation in a physical therapy setting.
The Liminal Threshold in Physical Therapy
In the scenario you've described, an elderly man crossing from a waiting room to a physical therapy room embodies a physical and symbolic crossing of a liminal threshold. This transition from one room to another represents a shift from one state of being to another—from waiting and anticipation to active participation in healing. The physical therapy room itself becomes a liminal space where transformation occurs, a place distinctly different from the rest of his daily environment.
Painful Healing as a Liminal Experience
Physical therapy, especially for those recovering from severe injuries or dealing with chronic pain, often involves navigating through pain to reach healing. This process can be viewed as a liminal phase where patients are neither fully incapacitated nor restored to health. It's a state of in-betweenness, where old capabilities and limitations are confronted and new potentials are explored.
Collective Experience Across Socio-Economic Backgrounds
The collective presence of individuals from multiple socio-economic backgrounds in the therapy room adds layers to the liminality of the experience. Despite diverse backgrounds, all present share a common goal of healing and improvement, which transcends individual differences. This shared purpose can create a unique community—a temporary but transformative gathering where personal boundaries blur, roles are equalized, and mutual support is fostered.
The Role of the Physical Space
The physical therapy room itself acts as a container for these liminal experiences. It is a space distinctly set apart for transformation and healing. Here, personal thresholds are crossed daily—not just in the physical sense, but also emotionally and psychologically as patients work through pain, confront their limitations, and gradually expand their capabilities.
Reflection and Transformation
For the elderly man and others in the room, the liminal space of physical therapy can be a powerful catalyst for reflection on life's transitions. The pain experienced during therapy sessions can be both a literal and metaphorical expression of the struggles involved in any transformative process. The very act of repeatedly crossing into this space can reinforce resilience and a commitment to healing.
Conclusion
Liminal thresholds in the context of physical therapy encapsulate the transformative journey from illness or injury toward recovery. The doorway between the waiting area and the therapy room symbolizes the threshold between past limitations and future possibilities. Within this space, individuals are temporarily suspended in a state of becoming, where healing—painful as it may be—is a communal and deeply transformative experience. This transition not only reflects physical and emotional changes but also serves as a profound metaphor for the broader transitions faced in life, especially in the later years.
Given the spinal damage from years of working with cameras and computers, here are ten adjustments and practices that could help accommodate and possibly alleviate some of the strain:
1. Ergonomic Workspace Setup: Adjust your workspace to be more ergonomic. Use a chair that supports the natural curve of your spine, ensure the computer monitor is at eye level to avoid bending your neck, and keep the keyboard and mouse within easy reach to avoid straining.
2. Regular Breaks: Incorporate frequent breaks into your work routine. Use a timer to remind yourself to stand up, stretch, or walk every 30 minutes to reduce stiffness and promote circulation.
3. Use of Assistive Devices: Consider using assistive devices like a standing desk, which can relieve pressure on the spine by allowing you to alternate between sitting and standing while working.
4. Physical Therapy: Regular sessions with a physical therapist can help strengthen the muscles supporting your spine and teach you exercises specifically designed to relieve spinal pain.
5. Exercise and Strengthening: Engage in exercises that strengthen your core muscles, which in turn can help support your spine. Yoga and Pilates are good options that focus on core strength and flexibility.
6. Proper Lifting Techniques: If your work still involves using heavy cameras or equipment, make sure to use proper lifting techniques—bend at the knees and keep the back straight to avoid putting stress on your spine.
7. Mindfulness and Stress Reduction: Practice mindfulness and stress-reduction techniques such as meditation or deep-breathing exercises. Stress can exacerbate physical pain, so managing stress is crucial.
8. Adjust Camera Equipment: For photography work, consider using lighter cameras or lenses and utilize tools like monopods or tripods to take the weight off your neck and shoulders.
9. Voice-to-Text Software: To reduce the physical strain of typing, use voice-to-text software when possible. This can help decrease the repetitive strain on your neck and back from computer use.
10. Consult a Specialist: Regularly consult with healthcare professionals who specialize in spinal health, such as chiropractors or osteopaths. They can provide treatments and advice tailored to your specific needs.
Implementing these changes can help manage the symptoms associated with spinal damage and make both work and daily life more comfortable.
